literature

Sleepless Enemy

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DarkLover33's avatar
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Literature Text

My mind miss-gives to the darkness of a darkened heart,
suffering a consequence here that I do not see,
The thick of the air looms, chocking me.
With ebony's mists clouding already blind eyes,
constantly fighting an enemy of no true shape,
fear, for I do not know if I can ever escape.
Comments5
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Michel-le-fou's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

Here is a random critique, since it is not submitted to PoeticalCondition. First off, I noticed, and appreciated, a familiar trick of mine that you used free verse until the last two lines, which are a rhymed couplet. It seems that we both like to play with schemes and result with this kind of verse. The other aspects noteworthy are in the first few lines:
"The darkness of a darkened heart,
Suffering a consequence that I do not see
[There is a couplet here too, i just saw it. Good touch!]
With ebony's mist clouding already blind eyes"
Ha! Blind eyes get blinded more! Wit too!
Altogether a good work.